Children grieve differently than adults. When caregivers, educators and other adults are unaware of how grief manifests in kids and teens, it can be easy to mistake normal, healthy responses to loss as behavior problems, neurodevelopmental disorders (e.g., ADHD) or learning disabilities. This can have lasting implications for the estimated 1 in 12 children in the U.S. who will experience the death of a parent or sibling by age 18—and that estimate doesn’t account for other bereavements, like grandparents or pets, or non-death losses like divorce or incarceration.
Grief Affects the Brain, The Brain Affects Behavior
Even in adults, grief has a measurable impact on the brain. From a neuroscience perspective, grief is a massive learning process. Our brain must reconstruct all its internal maps to accommodate the absence of the person or thing we lost, so there’s a lot going on that we aren’t aware of at a conscious level. This can impact our cognitive functioning in a number of ways including problems with memory, decision-making, visuospatial perception, attention, word fluency and the speed of information processing. In kids and teens, the cognitive effects of grief can be mislabeled as “problem” behaviors—especially for youth with marginalized identities (e.g., BIPOC, LGBTQ+). This confusion can have a significant and lasting impact on a child who is grieving.
While this is by no means an exhaustive list, here are some common grief responses that can be mistaken for behavioral problems:
- Argumentativeness
- Aggressive outbursts
- Forgetfulness (“Carelessness”)
- Hyperactivity
- Impulsivity
- Irritability
- Numbing behaviors (e.g., excessive screentime, binge eating)
- Regression (bed wetting/thumb sucking)
- Risk-taking
- Tantrums
If you observe these behaviors in a child or teen—especially if it’s something atypical—it could be that they are navigating loss.
Support Can Mitigate Negative Outcomes
It’s important to remember that resilience is the norm. Most children who suffer a loss go on to lead happy, healthy, fulfilling lives. However, when grief goes unsupported, there can be profound ramifications. Childhood bereavement is the strongest predictor of poor school outcomes above and beyond any other form of trauma—including childhood physical or sexual abuse and/or witnessing domestic violence. However, effective support can mitigate negative outcomes and bolster resilience. Here are three ways you can increase your support skills:
1. Improve Your Grief Literacy
Grief literacy improves with study and practice. Developing your grief literacy is a great way to support children who are grieving. Learning to recognize some of the ways children’s grief manifests can help you shift your approach from “What’s wrong with you?” to “What happened to you?” This can make all the difference when it comes to the impact of a loss on a child’s future.
2. Model Adaptive Coping
Another powerful way you can support a child who is grieving is to model healthy expressions of emotion and adaptive coping skills. Kids and teens look to trusted adults to learn how to navigate the world. As adults, we’re often conditioned to downplay our own big feelings—and the young people in our lives notice. By trying to “be strong” and act like nothing phases us, we may inadvertently communicate to kids that their feelings should be ignored. Allowing a child to see you express your feelings in healthy ways is an essential part of their own emotional development.
3. Cultivate a Growth Mindset
Mistakes will happen. Be gentle with yourself. Approach grief literacy like you would approach learning any new skill. At first, it’s going to feel awkward and even frustrating. But with repetition and practice, it will become more intuitive. If you fumble, own it and reflect on what you could do better next time. Stick with it and remember the benefits are profound.
Zero-Cost Resources
If you’d like to continue developing your grief literacy, here are some free resources that can help:
- Speaking Grief offers practical information and actionable strategies for understanding grief, supporting grief, and grieving.
- Learning Grief provides guidance on how to nurture grief literacy in kids and teens.
- Learning Grief for the Classroom provides activities for educators via PBS LearningMedia.
About the Author:
Lindsey Whissel Fenton, M.Ed.(she/her) is an Emmy award-winning filmmaker, international speaker, and grief educator. In her current role as a senior producer and director at WPSU, Lindsey focuses on projects related to grief, trauma, and mental health. She is the creator of Speaking Grief and Learning Grief and serves on the board of directors for the National Alliance for Children’s Grief (NACG).
The author is not licensed therapist or medical professional. This piece is intended for informational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition. Please consult your physician or other qualified health care provider immediately if you are experiencing any suicidal thoughts. If you are in crisis, help is available for free, 24/7 in the U.S by calling or texting the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at: 988. More information is available here.
